the_itsb (she/her)

feel less anxiety and am less prone to anger

This is a huge one for me, too. I managed my transition to a new provider poorly and am consequently out of medication, and I have so much less tolerance for other people and their bullshit. It took conscious effort to not be cunty with a store employee the other day when he had the temerity to interrupt my search of a shelf for a thing to offer to help with my search. 😂 It wasn’t until I was relaying the story to my husband that I went from “can you fucking believe that asshole” to “can you fucking believe what an asshole I am omfg.” 🤦

I very nearly replied to his second, “What are you looking for?” with “None of your fucking business!!” 😂🤦 jfc. I just ignored him instead, which I’m sure was also offensive.

I just can’t go out into public after mid-morning until I get more medication, I am a menace. 😂

the_itsb = the Ill-Tempered Sea Bass, and though it’s a batfish and not a sea bass, I’ve always thought this guy conveys the ill-tempered part beautifully.

Who I actually am as a person is a little more like some kind of crab. There’s the strawberry crab, who is “small, brightly-colored … known to be quite toxic,” which sounds just like me without medication. 😂 And then there’s the black-eyed hermit crab, who “often inhabits shells left by massive moon snails … often covered with colorful pink anemone-like hydroids, making this critter even cuter.”

The original Rice Krispies Treats cereal was the best. The current is a pale imitation and lacks the depth of flavor the original had - it wasn’t overly sweet, and it had a perfect balance of vanilla and puffed rice flavor that is hard to explain.

🤗 I hope it helps, and even more, I hope you get the care you need. Diagnosis and medication made a huge difference in my life, most importantly in how I think of myself. Doing anything I can do to help anyone else on that road feels really good, because it’s as much an act of self-compassion as it is an act of service.

Oh yeah, making the list is going to be a pain in the ass! For mine, I started a little note for it in my phone, and every time I came across an ADHD thing while internetting that made me think “omg me too!” I would put it on the list. I also sorta “cheated” to get started by looking at lists of symptoms and problems and coping strategies and copying anything that was relevant to me. I think it helped that I didn’t set out to get it all down at once, I just added to it here and there as I thought of things while doing other things, and it grew.

Here’s some of mine, maybe this can help you get the ball rolling?

Symptoms in Adulthood:

• Head full of constant noise - songs, chatter, repeated phrases - “bees in head” - EEAAO perfect illustration w IRS meeting scene
• Bumping into things, bruises, falling - I used to be a dancer, I have great balance and pretty good coordination, but I’m a real klutz when I’m not focused on movement, get injured often, and am literally constantly sporting at least a couple bruises from just existing in my house - what will happen when I’m elderly and fragile???
• talk too much/overshare, interrupting
• struggle to read anything not totally engrossing, but then dead to the world when engrossed
• Financial instability, overdrafts, credit issues, etc - much better now with autopay etc, but I still occasionally fuck up and pay the “ADHD Tax” at least a couple times a year.
• Auditory processing issues, difficulty with spoken multi-step instructions, have to write things down
• Often blank on direct questions - what do you like, what have you been doing, etc
• Lose track of time
• Can only do one or two things a day, have to devote entire day to social function or anything very taxing
• Have to set reminders and add things to list immediately or they will be forgotten
• Rejection sensitivity
• Completely derailed by strong emotions
• struggle to develop habits (but does make it easier to drop bad ones like smoking, binge drinking)

Attempts to help self:

• Lists and reminders - I even have lists of lists and reminders of reminders, it is absurd
• Routines, sleep hygiene
• Breaking big tasks into small
• DBT workbook to help with emotional issues
• Meditation - I can’t reliably do the sitting still kind, but the walking/doing kind is very helpful
• Exercise (elliptical, pilates, weights, yoga)
• Coffee, energy drinks
• Podcasts and music to try to power through boring tasks

It’s like I have to fight against my brain to be able to do the minimum necessary effort at the things I *need *to do for work, at home, etc. And all of the things I want to do but don’t strictly need to, like hobbies, passions, career aspirations and such, there’s simply no mental effort or focus left for most of them most of the time. I constantly feel like I’m not able to focus on anything, I can’t perform at my best, always procrastinating, always having to focus all of the little focus I have on simply managing to stay afloat, always drained, always stressed, always overwhelmed with everything. Always feeling guilty for slacking off and being “lazy”. Feeling like I’m wasting my life, unable to do things which I really, really want to do but for whatever reason can’t bring myself to focus on.

This is classic ADHD and is obviously taking a toll on you! I relate so much. I was able to kinda keep it together in that same way until I got pregnant a little over 16 years ago, then the hormonal changes and the mental burden of caring for a child absolutely wrecked my ability to mask at all, but I didn’t get diagnosed until a few months ago.

If you felt like you generally had a good rapport with that doctor, it might be worth going back to emphasize these aspects of your struggle and the toll they’re taking on your life and health, but if you didn’t have a good vibe from the doctor, see someone else.

I found it very helpful to prepare a list of all the ways I was struggling, including anything I was doing to mask my struggles. I used to be late for everything and forget appointments, but now every event in my calendar has 5 notifications in the lead up so I can’t forget (1 week, 1 day, 12 hours, 4 hours, 1 hour). I bet you’ve developed similar systems that seem excessive to outside observers but totally sensible to your fellow ADHD’ers, and talking to your doctor about the ways your coping strategies cause their own difficulties and burdens might help them realize that you’re genuinely doing everything you can but still need help.

It’s not a wall of text when it has paragraph breaks, and I read every word of that comment.

Communities are better when we’re respectful and kind to each other. Idk what’s going on with your day to make you lash out here, but if you need a friendly person to talk it over with, I’m here.

I love that you found your ikigai!! 🥰 I helped my husband find his in small engine repair and vintage garden tractor restoration, and I’m working on figuring out my own in the administrative and creative stuff I do for our business.

A few years ago, I found this ikigai diagram, printed it, and hung it up in the bathroom where it’s visible from the shower, and I think seeing that every day has fueled our shift to self-employment and community engagement.